in the event of my death
by kristy87
Summary: Sara finds a secret letter, written by Grissom....GSR


Disclaimer: I do not own CSI, I neither own Sara and Grissom : (

AN: No one is dying in here!

Summary: Sara finds a letter, written by Grissom...

* * *

in the event of my death

She couldn't read it, could she? She wasn't supposed to read it, not now, not under these circumstances…

_In the event of my death…_

He had been pretty vital when he had left his office half an hour ago and he hopefully still was…

…_hand this to Sara Sidle…_

This letter was for her, she was allowed to read it…wasn't she? It wouldn't be fair…but this world was unfair.

She had entered to bringone of the reports, thathe had been searching for, on his desk, then she had noticed that some sheets were stuck between two of the drawers of his desk. She had opened one of them to fix it and suddenly an amount of stuff had been falling out of the drawer on the ground. She had been about to put it all back into the drawer when a blue envelope had caught her attention.

_In the event of my death hand this to Sara Sidle…_

She swallowed hard. She knew she'd find answers in this letter, answers she needed to know before it would be too late.

Her hands were shaking when she slowly opened the envelope and unfolded a three pages long, handwritten letter.

_Sara,_

_You once said that by the time I'd figure it out I could be too late…_

_I wont deny that I am more than too late…everything is too late, but still there are things that I need you to know, things that I know you want to know…_

_I hope that I can give you the answers to the questions that haunted you for so long, I hope that I can explain why I did what I did…and I hope you will forgive me one day._

_I don't know why you came to Vegas…in my head there are thousands of possible reasons._

_Reasons that I never dared to dream about._

_But I know why I asked you to come to Vegas. I wanted you here with me. I know this sounds weird. Idiotic. _

_The first thing I did when I became supervisor of the night shift was calling you and asking you to come here…I asked you because I knew you could do this job, I asked you because I knew that it would be a great chance for you and I asked you because I couldn't get you out of my head since the day we first met._

_When I saw you sitting in the first row during the seminar, you were smiling so bright, smiling so bright and your eyes were so full of interest and admiration and…so much more._

_Your hair was plaited into two pigtails, some strands of hair loosely fell into your face, you didn't wear any make-up except for some eye liner, you wore a white spaghetti top and blue jeans…and you looked so incredible beautiful. _

_And after the first seminar you walked over to me, your arm pressing your notebook against your chest. You smiled softly, you bite down on your bottom lips and then you asked me if I'd have some time to discuss about the theme with you. And I said yes. But not because I wanted to discuss. I wanted to be with you Sara._

_I only spent one week in San Francisco, but this one week meant so muchto me. It meant so much to me because I could spent so much time with you. _

_And then I had the chance to bring someone into my team. And you were my first and only choice. I wanted you here with me. I wanted so much more than what I gave you._

_I had told myself to let myself get close to someone, for the first time in my life I wanted to be with someone…but then I realized that I couldn't do it. _

_I realized that now I was your boss, I realized that now things had changed between us. In San Francisco I could be how I wanted to be, no-one there really knew me, I could do what my heart told me to do…but here, everybody knew me…I couldn't jump over my shadow. I just couldn't do it._

_But you were here and for a while that was enough for me. You were here, I could see you, talk with you – not in the way that I wanted to talk with you, talk with you like we talked in San Francisco – but I could at least work together with you. _

_But it was only enough for a while. I realized that it wasn't enough, I wanted to change it, but I didn't know how. And then I found out about you and Hank. You had found someone, someone to be with, someone to share your life with. _

_And you forgot about me. I thought that you just forgot about me. But when you asked me out for dinner I realized that you hadn't. _

_But I turned your invitation down. It had nothing to do with you Sara. It was just the wrong place, the wrong time. _

_I suffered from otosclerosis. I was going deaf Sara. And I didn't want you to know about it. I didn't want you to worry, I didn't want you…to spend the rest of your life with a deaf man. The only chance I had was a surgery. I had this surgery and I had just made the decision to have it when you asked me for dinner. _

_I would lie if I'd say that I wasn't in total panic to loose my hearing. And…I was scared. _

_I should have told you afterwards, after the surgery._

_But I just couldn't do it._

_When we were re-enacting the rape of this girl, I have to confess that, you were the only one I thought about. For the first time we were so damned close to each other, so close that I had to control myself more than I ever needed to, to not lean forward and kiss you. _

_It felt as if my lips were drawn to yours. It felt as if your eyes drew my face closer to yours. And this feeling that rose up in me when we were looking so deep into each others eyes, I don't even have the words to describe it._

_But then you turned away, you changed the subject…you were talking about this promotion. _

_I didn't recommend you. Because I'm a selfish asshole. I didn't want to let you go. I just couldn't. And in addition to this Nick had told me that there was the rumor that I was recommending you because of our 'history' . I thought it would look as if I'd recommend you because there's more than a professional relationship between us. I was afraid that one of us would be fired or transferred to another shift. I didn't want to loose you._

_And there was something else. This job had always meant everything to me. It was the only thing I had. I had no-one to come home too, so I didn't go home. The lab became my home and when I began to realize that being with you would mean risking my job I was afraid. I knew that you meant more to me than this job, but the job gave me the safety that I would never loose it. I could loose you. You could take your love away from me, you could leave me, you could hurt me, you could break my heart…and in fact, I never knew if you felt the same. _

_I never knew if you felt the same._

_Until you told me that I have always been more than a boss to you. But still, have I ever been more than just a friend to you?_

_You told me your darkest secret, you told me something that you had never told to anyone else. You showed me how much you trusted me, you trusted me although I was emotional unavailable._

_Emotional unavailable._

_Sara I am not emotional unavailable, I just couldn't show my feelings to you. Because I was scared. I was scared that you would see me in another light, I was scared that you wouldn't feel the same, I was scared that, maybe I was scared that you'd make fun of me. I know that you would never do that! But…I don't know what exactly I was scared of, I just couldn't do it. But I tried. Sara I tried to be there for you. _

_And if I'd still have the chance, I would be there for you._

_I don't know if you ever felt the same for me, I don't know if you ever could. But now it is too late anyways. I am dead. I will never return. It doesn't matter what you think of me now, it doesn't matter that you maybe despise me for my egoism, it doesn't matter anymore. Because I'm not here anymore. _

_But I want you to know what I felt for you Sara. Because you have the right to know._

_Sara I love you._

_I loved you._

_More than my own life. _

_It was love at first sight for me and it was the first time that I ever was in love. _

_Forgive me for never telling you, for never showing you what you meant to me. I regret it. Maybe, if I would have known what you felt for me, if I would have known that you felthe same, maybe I would have told you. I don't know._

_Sara my love, promise me to move on, promise me to be happy, promise me to let someone make you happy, someone who deserves you. Someone who deserves your love._

_Gil Grissom_

Sara was shaking. She had felt tears rising up in her eyes long ago, but she hadn't noticed that they were already running down her cheeks. She tried to stop crying, tried to wipe the tears away and dry her face, but the tears didn't stop.

She stood in the middle of Gil Grissom's office and cried her heart out. She knew she needed to stop crying, she needed to get out of his office, she needed to calm down. He wasn't allowed to know that she read this letter. He just wasn't allowed to ever find out about it.

**_Sara my love, promise me to move on, promise me to be happy, promise me to let someone make you happy, someone who deserves you. Someone who deserves your love._**

No-one, she could love no-one else but him. No-one else deserved her more than he did. No-one else could make her happy.

And she wanted him to know! She wanted him to know that she felt the same. But how should she ever tell him without confessing that she read this letter?

* * *

She sat on the bench in the lockers room. Since half an hour she sat here. Waiting for him to show up. Half an hour ago she had wished him a good night. She had been the last one of the team who left, why wasn't he leaving? There hadn't been a lot of paperwork on his desk, why wasn't he leaving?

She knew that he used to leave twenty minutes after the others had left. Why not today? Why couldn't he just come in here, get his jacket and notice that she was still here?

She had thought about what she could do, thought about what she could say. The whole shift nothing else had been on her mind. And now he didn't show up.

She decided to wait another fifteen minutes, then she'd leave she promised herself.

Half an hour later Grissom finally entered the lockers room.

"What are you still doing here?", he asked surprised.

"I…" , she swallowed hard. She had thought about it all the time, she had learned some sentences by heart, but now she couldn't remember anything. She didn't know what to say.

Grissom opened his locker, leaned into it to get his stuff, at the same time Sara stood up and slowly walked over to him.

When he closed the door of his locker she leaned against the one next to it. She tilted her head to the right, a soft smile on her lips.

Then he began to smile. "When did you plait your hair?"

She bite down on her bottom lip. "It's hot outside…I hate it when my hair keeps sticking to my skin."

Their eyes met. Sara took a deep breath, she wouldn't turn away this time. They remained in silence for some time until she just couldn't stand it anymore. "Why did you ask me to come to Vegas?", she asked softly.

"I knew you could do the job."

"Was it only about the job?", she felt that tension rapidly rose up between them.

"No.", he said softly.

She placed her hand on his cheek. Before she could begin to caress it his hand reached up and took her hand into his. He kept her hand on his cheek, his hand not moving, only holding hers.

"There is something you need to know Gil.", she whispered.

"You never called me Gil.", he said softly and a little surprised.

"I know.", she smiled insecure. Then she took a deep breath. "I…what I am going to tell you now is…don't be shocked. I…I don't tell you this because it's a sudden feeling that overcame me, or…I don't know. I just think that the time has come to let you know about it. The time has come that you know that I…I love you." , she bite down on her bottom lip. Now he knew it. Now he couldn't say that he had never been sure about her feelings… "I loved you from the first moment on. I loved you during all these years.", she added. She felt that his hand began to shake. She removed her hand from his cheek, but didn't let go off his hand. She reached for his other hand and took it into hers. She softly squeezed them, a soft smile on her lips.

It felt good that he knew it. She didn't need him to say anything, she knew how he felt. Maybe he would need some time to realize the meaning of her words, she would be able to wait.

His mouth dropped open but the words didn't come out. He stared at her, not knowing what to think about her words.

Silence. A long but comfortable silence lay between them. Then his fingers began to caress her hands. She smiled softly.

"Sara…", he began, searching for words. "…Sara…you…I…this…", he swallowed hard. "I…I …"

"It's okay.", she whispered softly. "You don't need to say anything."

"I want to. Just give me a second."

She nodded softly. "Okay."

He took a deep breath. "You mean the world to me Sara. Words can not express how much you mean to me, how you make me feel. And these three little words that I know you long to hear from me are actually an understatement…what I feel for you is more than love. My love for you goes so much deeper than love can go."

She felt tears rising up in her eyes again. She tried to swallow them, but when his lips touched hers she wasn't able to control her emotions anymore. She let the tears run down her cheeks while his arms slipped around her waist, while their tongues danced around each other, massaged each other…she pressed her body against his chest. She hadneeded to feel him close to her, hadneeded to feel him hold her for so long. And now it happened.

She softly moaned into his mouth when he began to caress her, he pulled away for a second, smiling at her. She smiled back, reaching up for his cheek and dragging his face to hers again.

They stood in the middle of the lockers room, holding each other in their arms, kissing passionately and softly, from time to time he slipped his hands up and down over her back, causing her to press herself closer against him.

**_It was love at first sight for me and it was the first time that I ever was in love. _**

**_Forgive me for never telling you, for never showing you what you meant to me. I regret it. Maybe, if I would have known what you felt for me, if I would have known that you felt the same, maybe I would have told you. I don't know._**

He had told her. And they both were glad that he had.

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**THE END**

**thanks a lot for reading, and thanks to everyone who ever reviewed on of my fan fics! Thank you very much! **

sorry for writing two shortstories before updating "the favor", it's going to be the next fic I am updating! I promise!


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